At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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