I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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