remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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