soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
