I just pynch a tree in the face
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
