This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
