how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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