I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
