1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
