I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize