Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
