I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
