So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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