dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
