Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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