Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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