I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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