I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
