so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize