I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
