he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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