I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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