I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
