my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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