Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
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I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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