I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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