i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
