Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
