Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
