mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
