Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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