I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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