Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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