Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
