trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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