Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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