I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
