I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
