the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
