What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
