I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
