Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
