I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
