my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You left your phone here
Wait...
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