The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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