the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
