literally had 100 drinks last night.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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