i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
