he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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