I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
