She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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