He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
