I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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