I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
